Confessions Of A Splenda Stealer

Splendas stolen today: 4….a cute guy was next to me and I didn’t want to look like a Grandma, though Splenda is a little more upscale than Sweet N Low, no?

Reason #1 why I just love taking the bus to work: the rivalry between standing room vs. seated.

You see it everyday on the bus. As a fortunate sitter, you roll your eyes at the standing women who can’t keep their handbags from bopping into your head every five minutes. As a stander, I always take care to lower my bags so that I don’t hit the sitters next to me every time there is a bump in the Lincoln Tunnel. Also, there is a trick to where you stand–NEVER, never actually stand next to a sitter. You must find a spot in between two sitters in the aisle, where your front and butt would hit the chairs rather than people’s shoulders. I thought everyone knew this rule. Apparently not.

Enter Dockers man. Now, first off, I have always hated Dockers, so this may have influenced my initial irritation with this man.  I don’t think they look flattering on anyone. I have huge gripes with white denim and light colored jeans too, but I’ll save that for another blog. But when a man already has a large ass and is wearing Dockers, I lose it. It’s like a train wreck–I can’t look away, yet I’m disgusted at the same time. Something about the seam of the pants, and the stretching–bleh. Well, this morning, perhaps this pic says it best:

SERENITY NOW! I kept repeating to myself. His fat ass kept hitting me the whhhhoooolllleeee way to Port Authority. I mean, come on! He was sooo violating the code of responsible standers.

And it gets better. At 60 degrees this morning, while it was great strolling to work today, the buses haven’t exactly turned on their ACs yet. With my eyes closed and my chanting, I sat still and remained cool. But not Docker man. Hey actually yelled at the driver, “Hey bus driver man, turn on the air!”

Anyone who knows me well understands how much I love The Simpsons. So at 7:45 am, who do you think popped into my head at that moment? You got it: He steps on the clutch and the toilet goes flush…hail to the bus driver, bus driver man…”

Did Dockers man really call the driver “Bus driver man?” Am I on the bus with Ralph? I never saw his face…but Ralph does seem to be wearing Dockers…coincidence?? Does Ralph Wiggum live in uptown Hoboken??

Gotta love the bus.