Confessions Of A Splenda Stealer

Oh, thank jeebus! My gym is open today:

Its door was closed for the past few days, so I got nervous. Now, I know what you all must be thinking. But I implore you to think further, as a Splenda Stealer. Look beyond the dusty, musty staircase. What do you see??

First, before I tell you about my brilliant idea, let me tell you a story. One upon a time, when this Splenda Stealer first moved to Hoboken, she joined a gym that had the cheapest rate in Hobo–$69.00 a month. I had no cash to pay for a year up-front, but I was in dire need to work out and check out the guy eye-candy in my new hometown, so I signed the contract knowing I was half signing away my soul should I ever need to quit. TIP–if you can manage, never give a gym your credit card info, that way when you need to quit, you won’t be continuously billed for months, only to be told you have to take it up with the corporate office, whose phone doesn’t even have an answering machine.

Luckily, when I moved a year later to a new apt. downtown, my gym actually closed due to some sketchiness including the IRS or something. I WAS FREE!! I had to quit anyway, so timing was perfect and I didn’t lose out on any money.

Fast forward, a few months later, around turning 25 years old in November and again, I am in dire need of exercise. While I do walk a ton, I missed the yoga and pilates classes and easy cardio options that the gym offered.

Fast forward again to January 2009, and I made the typical resolution we all make–to get back in shape, but shockingly, I vowed to do it–WITHOUT THE GYM. Gym memberships in Hobo and NYC are so ridiculously expensive that I rebelled and challenged myself to get in shape without a monthly gym fee.

End of story, er, rant. Anywho, one day while opening the door to my office, I noticed that the door to the staircase was propped open, and I had an epiphany. As long as I’m not wearing heels, I could climb 20-30 flights of stairs whenever I need a break from my desk. Who needs a stepclimber machine (which always freaked me out anyway) when I have 30 free flights of stairs to use at my whim?

A few days of the week, when I feel antsy, I ride the elevator down to the lobby, run into the doorway marked STAIRS so no one sees me, and then I power it up to the 20th floor, sometimes further. While it’s a great cardio routine, it also gets my heart pumping because I’m terrified that someone will see me. I’m not embarrassed that I’m taking the stairs, but it’s the WAY I do it that’s a little embarrassing: on every step, I twist my torso from side to side, swinging my arms back and forth with bent elbows, tightening my core, and then I pretty much lunge forward with each step I take. I look absolutely ridiculous, and even more so because I’m usually in a pencil skirt.

One day I did pass another guy on the steps. I equate the experience with what it must feel like to be matched with someone you know on an online dating website: you are horrified that someone finds you, but then instantly relieved because they are doing it too.