Confessions Of A Splenda Stealer

From the April 30th edition of Hoboken’s Progress:

When asked what your strengths and weaknesses are during a job interview, you need to be able to admit a weakness, but then try to make it sound like a strength. For example, if you happen to be a control freak, you’d spin it to sound like you are just painstakingly detail-oriented.

Lately, it has come to my attention that I have a weakness, which cannot be euphemized.

Ladies and gentlemen, I talk to myself. And no, I’m not wearing a Bluetooth.

This realization arrived slowly, but now my eyes are still wide, even 24 hours since I’ve made my discovery.

It started with a bug. (Stay with me.) Not a roach—but it was a water bug. The corners of mouth turn down as I type that, that word, “water bug.” I’m perpetually ill-equipped to kill or catch a bug due to my squeamishness.

Maria, my friend/roommie doesn’t help. In fact, we only egg each other’s screams on when we try to get rid of a bug. To my dismay, placing a bowl over a bug is only a short-term solution.

Long story short, the water bug that I had seen a few days earlier that mysteriously disappeared was found dead under a slipcover in our living room. Time of death, unknown, but the other roommie probably sat on it.

Regardless of it being dead and practically snapped in half, Maria and I screamed as if it were alive. To get rid of it took a team—me to lift the slipcover, Maria to suck it up into the dust buster. Neither one of us will empty it.

After cooling down, I started to reflect on the situation. With my throat still hoarse from screaming and laughing, it occurred to me that if what you’re yelling at is dead, aren’t you essentially just yelling at yourself?

I never thought that I talked to myself, but then I realized this wasn’t the first incident. As it turns out, I’m quite the “Chatty Cathy” in my apartment, and half the time my conversations aren’t directed toward anything with a pulse.

As someone who doesn’t like loud noises, I find that when I clink together a few plates and glasses in the kitchen sink I’ll call out “SHHH!” or “Oh, shut up,” to the inanimate objects. But, since they don’t have the faculties to respond back, who am I really talking to? You are correct. Yet again, I’m just speaking to myself.

I also sing to appliances. “I am unplugging you now!” I’ll sing to my hair straightener, or a “I’m turning you off now!” to the coffeemaker. Not very creative, but I must admit, it’s been quite effective since I apparently blackout any time I unplug something.

I’m not quite sure what to make of this discovery, or even how to make it sound like a strength. But, it’s slowly becoming one of my top eccentric traits.

Who needs to ace a job interview when I have the capacity to become a crazy character in Hoboken?

Someday me...only with dogs...