twiTCH

Our bodies all handle stress in different ways. Some people get an insatiable hunger and pack on a few pounds. Some bite their nails down to nubbins. But ask me what my body does? Besides sweat and develop a tight knot just to the left of my right shoulder blade, I twitch.

To be more precise, my eye(s) twitch. Usually it’s the flutter of an eyelid every now and then during the day. Annoying, but they’re usually temporary.

But as of last Tuesday night, I have developed the mother of all eye twitches, which I have come to know as “The Jerk.”

IMG_0687 (1)-polaLadies and gentleman, The Jerk might as well be a jackhammer underneath my left eye. Its jerky movements do not happen in cute little spurts. It does not show itself in semi-predictable episodes. It is all. The. Time. And worst of all, it is 100% noticeable. The only way I can hide it is if I adopt my 6 o’clock face for a 9:30am meeting—that is, squint my eyes and look really tired.

The sheer annoyance of this twitch has me conjuring up home remedies beyond what I can find on Google, which scolds me and says I need more sleep, less caffeine, more water, and less stress. But since I’ve always been terrible at maintaining healthy levels of all of the above, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I’ve tried to exorcize the demon in the following ways:

  • Sit and stare at it in my 5x zoom mirror. (Note: the increasing intervals at which this has happened has done nothing)
  • Poke at it with my fingers
  • Cup my hand over it to essentially “hot box” my eyeball for 10 seconds at a time (this technique is based on absolutely nothing other than reading that a hot compress could help. I just hate when hot compresses get cold after 2 minutes then drip all over the place. Also, is there anything better I can use besides a paper towel as a hot compress? I feel like in the year 2016 there’s gotta be. Yes that is a serious question.)
  • Sleep and I’ll awake with it magically gone
  • Ask my husband to stare at it and tell me if it’s still noticeable
  • Complain to my mom
  • Watch the delightfully cheesy and terrifying “Fuller House”
  • Hold a headstand for 15 breaths

The fact that all the Google pages about eye twitches all report the very last time I visited the same pages have made me realize something—the eye twitch always wins.

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