Sometimes, I “try on” feelings.
I’ve said YES to a super-size when I wasn’t very hungry.
I’ve said FINE and walked away when I wasn’t really mad.
I’ve howled OW! when stubbing my toe didn’t really hurt.
I’ve laughed when a joke wasn’t very funny.
As you would try-on patterned pants you’re not sure are quite you, or perhaps try a sip of wine that’s not your usual rosé, I sample emotions when I’m not quite sure how I feel.
It takes a lot to really move me. (Pixar films or movies with animals don’t count.) For me to fully embrace an emotion as it rushes through me is very difficult. I may sweat and blush instantly, but my mind isn’t so quick.
This is why I was so surprised to feel emotional when I purchased my wedding dress.
Here’s something you may not know about me: I have not been planning my wedding say since I was 6 years old. If you were to ask me what my dream wedding was when I was younger, I would have said anywhere but NJ and there must be a band. Never did I ever expect to be excited to be getting married where I grew up, or that my fiancé would be performing at our own wedding.
But that was about it. Any decision I’ve made thus far has been a truly new experience.
First of all—trying-on wedding dresses is one of the girliest/giddiest/amazing moments a woman can experience. And it all goes way too fast. But—when you know, you know. As the intern at Kleinfeld’s said, “It’s like finding your fiancé. When you find the right one, you stop looking.”
But, it wasn’t saying “yes” to this dress that got me. It was seeing it hang expectantly on its satin-lined hanger while the wedding consultants took my measurements that got me. I suddenly realized that the next few times I’d see my dress were going to be right before my wedding day…waiting for me to slip it on to marry CP. This is what I’m wearing when CP and I get married. Right before I walk down the aisle, this is what CP will see me in. Think of any variation of this, and that’s what was racing through my head.
Looking back, slipping on each dress took me closer to figuring out what I wanted, and what I felt. It wasn’t booking the venue, or even the band that made realize what we’re doing in about 10 months. That’s just the party element of it. Maybe it’s because neither one of us are religious, so I haven’t really thought much about the ceremony, but the dress finally got me thinking about what is really happening that day, and how grateful and appreciative I am that we somehow met each other, get each other, and have such unbelievably amazing friends and family that support our relationship.
I feel like those words don’t even do my feelings justice. (How am I ever going to write my vows!?)
With each thumbs-up or thumbs down of a ruffle or strip of Chantilly lace or French netting, I moved closer and closer to fully embracing what CP and I are doing next Spring. Is it possible to feel sentimental over a moment that hasn’t happened yet? I say yes.