Confessions Of A Splenda Stealer

I used to have another blog that I just abandoned because I thought of a better title/focus for this one. It’s still out there in www land, and one of these days I’ll get over my laziness and put the link up because some of the entries are quite funny. Yes, I crack myself up. Anywho, on a day like today, when I’m slightly hungover, my brain is absolute mush, and so it’s tough for me to tell if my friends are really hilarious people, or just crack me up.

When I got into work this morning, armed with Vitamin Water vital-t, coffee, and shoving oatmeal in my mouth, I open my gmail and begin messaging Ms. Ball O’ Sunshine, who writes me this:

I actually have a lot of work to do today in the office. So naturally, I’m blogging instead.

My friend and fellow Splenda stealer, who is a publicist, are constantly talking/discussing/obsessing about people who seem to have cool jobs that we have never even heard of before. Only about a year’s worth of experience in our own industries, and so far, so good, we are just continually fascinated with job titles that people accumulate that never popped up on career/personality tests, in high school conversations with our guidance counselors, or MASH quizzes from when we were giggling 13 year olds.

But if you really think about it, everything around you was created by someone as their occupation. Take a look at your/mine desk. Stapler–someone was responsible for flipping the switch to turn on the machine in the facility of the plant that makes those things. Cough drops–someone came up the that flavor of honey/chamomile and menthol (they’re tasty, I swear). Tape–well, I’m not really sure how tape is made, but you get the idea.

On the bus this morning (see pic of my daily commute)

I was lucky enough to sit alone and I felt free to stretch out a little and look around as I pleased, rather than nod my head and close my eyes and pretend my knee isn’t really touching the person next to me. I started to think about the Charlotte Moss Townhouse that I took a tour of yesterday, after I wrote an article about how her interior design style influenced the way she designed her retail store. It was unbelievable: five floors of a townhouse that she had gutted and renovated, and each room is decorated like a home. There was a bedroom, a library, a guest room, a conservatory, and every detail in the “house” was for sale. Even the hardware she used on the cupboards in the dining room was specific design choice; she found the dainty, weathered hardware from a flea shop in Paris and knew how she wanted to use them.

This idea excited me. I just love thinking about all the decisions and inspirations and creativity it took to plan out every single detail you see in front of your eyes. Sitting on the bus this morning, I started to think of my surroundings in the same way. When I get bored on the bus/in a car, I like to think about all the labor and design that went into building the Lincoln Tunnel or highways and parkways, and so this morning I started to look at the all the details and bus doo-dads that I see everyday, but don’t necessarily notice, like the tacky fabric that lines the seats, those little turnable lights and A/C things above my head–see, I don’t even know the word for them–and how there are only handles on the seats next to the aisles. I start to think–every detail on this bus was also a decision made by someone in charge of designing a NJ Transit bus.

Fascinated by this thought, I notice the yellow tape that you touch to stop the bus had a sort of inscription on it. TAPESWITCH CORPORATION, 100 SCHMITT BOULEVARD, FARMINGDALE, NY 11735

There’s actually a company that specifically makes these things. There is a facility in Farmingdale, NY, that employes people to make tapeswitches. That is what they are paid to do. How does one find a job in the tapeswtich business? Is there training involved? How much do they make a year? What do they do when they get bored on the job? I can’t imagine what it would like to work there, but why wasn’t I ever asked? It was never brought to my attention. I never knew you could be a tape switch maker, responsible for the productivity of a mass transit bus.

It just goes to show that there are so many jobs out there that you would never know about unless you look for them. Or create them. While I love to write and report, sometimes I do think about what else I could be, and then how I need to channel that energy to make something happen, because decisions like these all depend on your own actions. Just a thought, while I procrastinate, hands shaking, during my second free coffee of the day.

I.

Hate.

Pollen.

——–

I.

Also.

Hate.

These.

When walking to and from work.

We all have our daily routines. Mine usually consists of getting into the office (hopefully before anyone else is there), and with a coffee in hand and a freshly made cup of instant oatmeal, I fire up my Mac and immediately check the following websites: gmail.com, dailycandy.com, yumsugar.com, gawker.com, jezebel.com, mediabistro.com, nymag.com, and last, but definitely not least, midtownlunch.com.

If you’re a friend of mine, you have not only heard of it, but have either read the site or dodged about a dozen links I send your way in emails and gchats regarding the discovery of great lunch deals for those working in midtown Manhattan.

I came upon this site one day about a month into this job at 41st and Lexington. After a few Google searches for “cheap good food midtown ny” that not surprisingly brought up nothing, I soon stumbled across Midtownlunch.com, and my love affair with the blog began. It was exactly what I needed. Being poor with a huge appetite does not bode well in midtown Manhattan, where many lunches in generic delis and buffet spots will have you dropping $10 a pop. Ten bucks a day, for five days a week, yada yada yada equals math that makes me want to cry on an empty stomach. My tummy usually groans loud enough to stifle my sobs.

And it’s not even like I try to make up for not being able to eat out with my lunches. They have got to be the most pathetic concoctions known to the brown bagger. Let’s discuss the day when I microwaved one slice of American cheese on a piece of bread that had its crust removed due to mold. Should we talk about the English muffins I eat with my daily dose of PB&J where there are so many nooks and crannies it’s no wonder they were on special at A&P that week? [Ed note: Ms. Ball O’Sunshine has informed me that laziness that prevents me to go grocery shopping also plays a factor there. I’m can definitely afford two slices of bread. It’s just funnier to highlight the pathetic moments.]

After unloading every unfulfilling lunch into my desk drawer (the refrigerator is for perishable foods which I never buy), I check Midtownlunch.com just to see what’s out there. Chicken, beef, pork, or cheese tamales for around $2 outside of the Mexican embassy, bento box lunches two blocks from my office, rice balls three blocks away, for all pretty decent prices usually leave me on the fence asking myself—when do I go?? Splurge today? Splurge tomorrow?

The real anxiety I have is that I’m scared that if I actually tried these foods, I won’t be able to stop. Once you have a taste of the good life, how could I possibly go back to my bread and cheese diet? Alas, that is where Midtownlunch.com rescues me. While I bookmark every entry so that I can keep on dreaming, Zach, the man behind the blog, also tells us about where to find FREE food. There really is no better word in the English language.

This morning, a day behind on my blog reading, I get an email from my dad:

You doing the free lunch today? See Midtown Lunch!

I immediately get into hysterics. WHAT!!! OMGOMGOMGOMG

I pull up a new window and check the site. Sure enough, The Volstead, on 54th and Lex is giving free lunch to Midtownlunch.com readers for the entire month on May. From someone who has been to The Volstead plenty of times, usually for the bar, I do know one thing—can you say Buffalo Chicken Pops? Fried Mac & Cheese Pops? and Hummus with Olives and Warm Flatbread? —all drool-worthy food that is definitely not in the range of what Midtownlunch readers are looking for, and so this put extra pressure on me to make a reservation.

After gchatting M.s Ball O’Sunshine who also shares my love of good grub at The Volstead, I push all of my Splenda and and Sweet and Lows the hell outta the way from my phone and press the receiver to my ear. It’s a recording! Nooooo! I whisper. I pull up menupages.com to check the hours. They don’t open until 11 am! Ok, now it’s not just me, everyone has to wait to make a reservation, I tell myself.

Of course, to kill time, I go back to the blog to read those wonderful words again about a free lunch, and I noticed that I didn’t read the comments after the post like I usually do. To my horror, comment after comment was how people had set up their reservations already, because—this posting was from—gasp!—the day before! It wasn’t posted today! Yesterday! I was already so behind all my fellow Midtownlunch.com readers!!

Chomping at the bit, I wait til 11am for The Volstead to open. I finally get a guy on the phone and blurt out hicanimakeareservationforthelunchspecialtoday? To which he replies: We are all full today.

My face drops.

That’sokwhatbaoutneextTuesday?

Full. Visions of my pathetic cheese on bread lunches come flooding back.

Isthewholemonthfullalready??

He told me to try again in two week to book for the third week of May.

I slowly hang up the phone and spin around in my chair to face my sandwich, sitting on my desk in a little sad heap. Maybe it’s not so ba—oh hell no, it’s worse that I thought.

Well, I tried. All I have to do is hold out until May 15—when it’s free iced coffee day at Dunkin Donuts…