Confessions Of A Splenda Stealer

Will start again soon, I promise!!

Last night, like today, it was awful weather. Rain on top of the falling leaves–slippery muck.

I was at a hookah bar, you know, smoking the hookah, and eating falafel from Mamoun’s across the street and in comes this poor guy, who just ate it–he pretty much slipped down the stairs in the entry way, smacking the steps with his back.

It was NOT comical. I think this was the only time I did not laugh after witnessing a fall. I mean, everyone falls and it’s funny. But, for this guy, everyone in the place unanimously yelled OW.

Today, it got me reminiscing about some of my top, classiest falls:

–age 13, rushing to 7th grade homeroom and passing through the doorway, I fell on my lunch and ripped the book cover to my math textbook…all in front of the principal, who laughed at me…

–age 14, rushing to 8th grade homeroom and I fell on black ice…

–age 15, grocery shopping at ShopRite and I slipped in an aisle on what my dad called “slop on the floor”…

–age 16, excited to see my dogs after a vacay, I was running with them outside and I slipped on some mud while bringing them a bowl of water…

–age 22, New Year’s Eve and I didn’t see a step down from the bar to dance floor and wiped out…

–age 24, New Year’s Eve and I stumbled forward off my platform heels scraping my knees like a five-year-old…

Then I also got to thinking about falls from my friends and family:

–my friend S who, dressed as a squirrel for a one of those silly college variety shows, slipped on the gym floor in front of the entire football team…

–my friend, Ms. Ball O’Sunshine, who fell off her high heels pretty much into a baby stoller, complete with baby…

–my sis, who slipped on the wet floor after my mom mopped and got her toe stuck in the heating vent under the stairs..

–my dad, who was rocking in a lazy-boy chair and completely rocked it over, falling backwards…

Oh God. There are too many. I can barely breathe while writing this. In hindsight, the funniest thing about falling is that moment we all share–that moment of clarity right after we end up on the ground, looking up, from a point-of-view we normally don’t experience, and we all silently ask ourselves “Am I really on the here right now?” and “How many people saw that?”

This is probably funnier to me as I write it because I have the visuals to go with the memories, but if you are having a moody day, I highly suggest recounting a few slapstick-like moments in your head for a quick pick-me-up.

Gchat musings of the day:

MsBalloSunshine: still there?

me: yeah

MsBalloSunshine: sorry went to borders to admire books i can’t buy…

Don’t get me wrong. I love Halloween. I usually find it fun and entertaining to read recipes for punch with eye balls, cupcakes adorned with bats, or photos of people dressed as burritos to get free food at Chipotle. As far as festive Halloween goodies, these will suffice.

But I must say, that if you aren’t witty enough to think of a tongue-in-cheek festive treat, I suggest you leave it to the pros.

Inspired by a recipe posting I just read, I have never had such a gut-wretching reaction to the title of a Halloween party snack. I think it has ruined my appetite for the rest of the day.

Posted on Gather.com, is an article for (I can’t believe I’m typing this) vomit dip.

Seriously?? Really?? You can’t think of anything more clever?? I couldn’t read further than when I saw cottage cheese listed in the ingredients. Oh wait–nope. It gets better. Listed in the directions after the ingredient list:

“Choose your favorite veggies and dunk in the vomit mix and eat. Crackers go well with this too.”

Hmmm. Saltines, perhaps??

I don’t blame you if you don’t want to click on the link. Thankfully, there is no image, but with a title like that, do you really want one?

I mean, come on people…