Confessions Of A Splenda Stealer

I have a blog??

Oh. That’s right. Sorry, all.

It’s 11:32 pm, I’m in the middle of writing some freelance, and I must say–I feel like I just entered the Twilight Zone.

Have you ever had something shake you to your core that you never knew you cared about? I would equate the feeling I’m having to when you have an unexpected emotion–like the feeling you get when a co-worker  you were never particularly close to leaves and you oddly sad about it?

I call it being attached to a habit. No–I didn’t quit smoking and forgot how to drive a car like that whacked out commercial on TV. Something, in my opinion, worse.

THEY CHANGED THE SET ON MY LOCAL NBC STATION!!

True, I still have my Sue Simmons and Chuck Scarborough. And Len Berman. I can’t forget that Len. But the new set makes me feel like I’m watching the old UPN. I am saddened. I am pissed. I turn into NBC as a way to comfort myself before going to bed. I’ve watched NBC since I was little enough to care about the news–or when I was hopeful that a few flurries outside would spurn into a late night, breaking news story about school closings.

My grandmother will call and bitch to my mother anytime a new achor reports. What happened to my T Wah Chang??  Who is this new girl, Felicia?? I don’t like her.

We grow attached to the people we invite into our homes through the television, and we don’t like to be shaken. We need time to adjust when one leaves to CBS, or God bless ’em, CW11. (Oh you, Jim Watkins.)

When the set changes, it’s just as bad. Even worse–the logo changed! Look at it–it looks like it’s from the 80s, and I was in single digits in the 80s, so it really freaks me out for some reason. What year is it? How old am I??

Maybe I’m overreacting. But come one NBC. A little warning, a little pull-me-over to the side explanation would be nice the next time you decide to switch things up.

And to top things off, Janice Huff is wearing pink leather!

Ugh. I’m going to bed.

Will start again soon, I promise!!

Last night, like today, it was awful weather. Rain on top of the falling leaves–slippery muck.

I was at a hookah bar, you know, smoking the hookah, and eating falafel from Mamoun’s across the street and in comes this poor guy, who just ate it–he pretty much slipped down the stairs in the entry way, smacking the steps with his back.

It was NOT comical. I think this was the only time I did not laugh after witnessing a fall. I mean, everyone falls and it’s funny. But, for this guy, everyone in the place unanimously yelled OW.

Today, it got me reminiscing about some of my top, classiest falls:

–age 13, rushing to 7th grade homeroom and passing through the doorway, I fell on my lunch and ripped the book cover to my math textbook…all in front of the principal, who laughed at me…

–age 14, rushing to 8th grade homeroom and I fell on black ice…

–age 15, grocery shopping at ShopRite and I slipped in an aisle on what my dad called “slop on the floor”…

–age 16, excited to see my dogs after a vacay, I was running with them outside and I slipped on some mud while bringing them a bowl of water…

–age 22, New Year’s Eve and I didn’t see a step down from the bar to dance floor and wiped out…

–age 24, New Year’s Eve and I stumbled forward off my platform heels scraping my knees like a five-year-old…

Then I also got to thinking about falls from my friends and family:

–my friend S who, dressed as a squirrel for a one of those silly college variety shows, slipped on the gym floor in front of the entire football team…

–my friend, Ms. Ball O’Sunshine, who fell off her high heels pretty much into a baby stoller, complete with baby…

–my sis, who slipped on the wet floor after my mom mopped and got her toe stuck in the heating vent under the stairs..

–my dad, who was rocking in a lazy-boy chair and completely rocked it over, falling backwards…

Oh God. There are too many. I can barely breathe while writing this. In hindsight, the funniest thing about falling is that moment we all share–that moment of clarity right after we end up on the ground, looking up, from a point-of-view we normally don’t experience, and we all silently ask ourselves “Am I really on the here right now?” and “How many people saw that?”

This is probably funnier to me as I write it because I have the visuals to go with the memories, but if you are having a moody day, I highly suggest recounting a few slapstick-like moments in your head for a quick pick-me-up.