Confessions Of A Splenda Stealer

Every once in a while, usually when we are bored at work, my friends and I will discuss what our six word memoir would be; an idea that ran through the internets like wildfire a year or so ago. I’m not sure if it was launched by a book or just a meme, but nonetheless, the game does not cease to amuse us.

Over the past year, I have come up with a few for me, such as: I live to spoon peanut butter–which is a pun that works because I have been known to wake up with a jar of peanut butter in my bed with me…usually after a buzzedly evening out…

Ms. Ball O’Sunshine’s would be: Eats Sour Patch Kids, writes blogs.

Her friend Nina’s would be: I’m not here to make friends.

Today I came up with a new one: Ate lunch at 11:30AM, still hungry.

I swear, sometimes I feel as though my stomach is a bottomless pit. Sighs. It’s only 12:28 PM and I have devoured all the food I brought to work today.

I think I’m only hungry because I’m so bored. While most editors in the magazine industry (the ones who have been spared the lay-offs) are crazy busy because most have pretty much folded about two more positions into their own, over here at my little magazine, we have less and less work to complete because of two reasons: (1) not enough ads to justify extra editorial pages, and (2) we are already a staff of three people, so there is no one to cut and no one else’s work to absorb as our own. Don’t get me wrong–it’s great job security–knock on wood–but there is just nothing to do. For our May 2009 issue, I am sharing a four page article with my co-worker.

Since I can only read enough food and media gossip blogs to get through my mornings to look busy, my afternoons have become more of a contemplative time, when I weigh and consider what I should do for the remaining time until 5pm. Lately, I have decided to try and re-do our magazine’s website, which looks like it hasn’t been touched since the dawn of the internets.

One would think that taking over such a task would be an easy one at such a small staffed magazine, but no-ho00.

Ladies and gentleman, no matter what the size of the company you work for, there will ALWAYS, be this guy:

For those of you who may not remember, this is a shot of Jimmy Fallon as Nick Burns, the Computer Guy from SNL. Again for those of you who may not remember, the theme song for this character is: “Nick Burns the Computer Guy. We’ll fix your computer then he’s gonna make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company computer guy.”

Then, after he makes you feel about 5 inches tall,  he is known for saying, “Oh…by the way, YOU’RE WELCOME!”

I’ve always heard about this tech-guy stereotype, but I never though I would actually come face to face, er, email to email with such a creature because the company I work for is to teeny. It’s always when you least expect it.

Enter: Our “web guy.” He is not a full time staffer. He is ONLY paid to upload pdfs of our current issues on our dinosaur website. Too bad he doesn’t make overtime in writing passive aggressive emails because he could make a killing.

The following emails are between Nick (I changed his name) and myself over the past few days, weeks, ie, pretty much whenever he feels like he wants to respond to me. I admit, I know nothing about websites beyond blogging, which is incredibly easy. He knows that. I know that. But would it be so terrible to just answer my questions without being, well, an ASS??

On Tue, Feb 24, 2009 at 12:09 PM, Spenda Stealer wrote:

Hi Nick,

I know you post our current issues up on the website, but what content management system do you use?

Thanks,
Emily

On Feb 24, 2009, at 1:24 PM, Nick wrote:

Dreamweaver (which is a development tool, not CMS per say)…

OK, I’ll take that response. Though he could have at least addressed me.

Next one:

On Tue, Feb 24, 2009 at 2:29 PM, Splenda Stealer wrote:

Hi Nick,
Thanks. Do you personally have Dreamweaver, or do you go to our NJ office to update the sites?

On Feb 24, 2009, at 2:34 PM, Nick wrote:

I am confused…what is it that you are trying to accomplish?

Nick appears to be perturbed.

Next one:

On Wed, Mar 4, 2009 at 1:33 PM, Splenda Stealer wrote:
Hi Nick,

I think we are going to try and do a little re-designing of the site, that’s why I was playing detective last week.

I know the design has not been touched for a long time. You mentioned Dreamweaver last week, do you have the software for that? No one in this office does, so I was curious.

Also, when you update the sites, how do you do so? Do you sign in under the administrator sign-in, or do you use another way?

Thanks,
Emily

On Mar 4, 2009, at 11:45 PM, Nick wrote:

The administrator sign-in is an interface to the databases that generate the news and archives. That’s all they were intended for. You can pick up a copy of Dreamweaver for $400 (http://www.adobe.com/products/dreamweaver/…I believe there are free options, but none that I have tested myself). I will warn you though—without experience, you’ll be in over your head before you know it and will run the risk of crashing the site at some level. Plus there is more to it than Dreamweaver…

I see we are starting to get a little heated. In over my head?? I’m just askin’.

Next one:

On Thu, Apr 9, 2009 at 1:33 PM, Splenda Stealer wrote:
Hi Nick,

Just as an update on the web stuff, as you were copied on the email, I found out who the web host and server are for the websites.

I don’t really have experience with all of this, but if we just wanted to modernize the look of the website, where could I go to ask questions about that? I don’t know if this is possible, but I know a lot of sites use WordPress themes for maintenance. Would this be possible? I’m not sure if I should be asking you these questions or the contact at XFire Software.

Thanks,
Emily

On Apr 13, 2009, at 1:53 PM, Nick wrote:

Emily-

Anything is possible, but neither XFire nor I work for free.

Nick

Ahem. Really? Did I seem confused?

And the last one, for now, though now I really just want to continue writing emails I know will exhaust/annoy him:

On Apr 13, 2009, at 2:00 PM, Splenda Stealer wrote:

Hi Nick,

Thanks for getting back to me. I am only thinking about the our site, not the sister publications.

I’m just trying to feel out options and what can be done. In your opinion, how could we go about updating the current site with new graphics and colors? Is this possible with any software we already have?

Thanks,
Emily

On Apr 13, 2009, at 2:44 PM, Nick wrote:
In my opinion you should hire a professional. And the fact that you’re asking me whether or not you have the appropriate tools to DIY, tells me you may wind up causing more harm than good.

Nick

OK. Basically, in so many words, he just insulted himself. Shouldn’t he be a professional??

I believe Nick’s six word memoir would be, Lives alone, amongst Chinese takeout cartons.

By nature, I’m a list-maker. Anytime I read or hear about something, anything, that sounds remotely amusing, I need to jot it down so I don’t forget to later Google or Wiki the hell out of it, possibly leading to me dropping by the local library for further research, a new website or blog I never knew about, or my amazon.com account to “add to shopping cart,” which is essentially just another list. I believe it stems from my fear that I will never have enough time to read or do or visit everything that I want to experience, so I feel the need to bookmark it.

But don’t let my label as a “list-maker” fool you. This neurosis of mine does not mean that I am a neat and tidy person by any means, and so my life-saver is the Post-It. This is what I imagine the inside of my brain to look like:

The dust bunnies in my room are tumble weeds of hair and Post-It remnants. (Not to be gross, but I do have a lot of hair.) If this living room were the inside of my brain, under one sofa cushion would be a reminder to “pay my bills online,” under the rug may be a note to research “cheap art classes, NYC,” and on the underside of the lamp shade may be “first warm day out, take a ride of the Staten Island Ferry!” complete with exclamation point. I like to order myself around, but so I don’t sound too bossy and piss myself off, I add !! as a way to instill excitement. I can only imagine the notes I’ll leave for my kids in their lunchboxes. I already feel sorry for them. “Hi Honey! I cut the corners off your sandwich just as you like–and go make a new friend today!! Love, Mom!!”

There is something about hurriedly scribbling down a random thought then slapping it on a hard surface that is so promising and satisfying at the same time. This is why I usually stick with Post-Its, which are pretty much like the typewriter of today’s daily planners. I have tried to use Delicious.com to bookmark websites and blog postings that I like as a way instead of having separate “favorite places” on my work and personal computer, but I still prefer post-its. Sometimes I wonder if my method of madness even works, or if my sheer amount of Post-Its and list-making makes me overwhelmed in the long run.

This Post-It of a thought likes to untack itself to flap around in my mind, but after this morning, I know my method does being its own ROI when I read the following on Eater.com:

Lower East Side : Per the signage above, the restaurant Fried Dumpling at 99 Allen has been evicted by its landlord…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I sobbed, silently to myself, then furiously copy + pasted the link into my gchat box with Ria. A few weeks back, when we were killing some time before heading to a birthday gathering at Barramundi, the two of us took the F train to the Delancey stop, and hopped in between rain drops thinking of where we could go to grab a bite to eat. Thanks to MY list-making tendencies, I remembered that there was a 5 for a $1 fried dumpling shop in the area (thank you Post-It # 5331). We arrived to this shop called Fried Dumpling on Allen and Delancey and each got an order of five fried dumplings for a dollar and a slice of something called a sesame cake (like eating a fried, thick, flatbread sprinkled with sesame seeds and dotted with chopped scallions,) for an additional 75 cents. Read=amazing. Probably not the best fried dumplings in NYC by a long shot, but I have not yet had the chance to explore Chinatown. For what it was, on a cold and rainy February night, the fact that I had a hearty meal with the spare change in my pocket was absolutely wonderful.

Now that it closed, I am so ever grateful for my neurotic list-making abilities. Had I never jotted this little gem down, I never would have experienced it. The list-making will continue, and now in heart and star-shaped Post-Its!!

Confession: When I was little, I was a picky eater. No oddities like only eating white or green foods, but nonetheless, there was a whole list of things I would not touch: raisins, melted cheese (except for pizza cheese), hard boiled eggs, any sort of meat other than chicken, lima beans, packaged cold cuts, etc. And when I found something I really loved, no one could ween me off it. Some of these food habits still cling to me to this day.

Of course, as I’ve gotten older and my food tastes have matured (hopefully, wishfully) some of these food habits from my teeny years have been harbored away in the back of my mind for safe keeping, say, for a day when it’s grey and rainy and the roommates are out and I just want to devour what I consider real comfort food. There are some comfort foods that are generally accepted, like mac and cheese, or french fries, but everyone has their own list of “go-to” comfort foods. One of mine that I keep locked away is one that truly horrifies some of my Italian friends: pasta and ketchup. Add some breadcrumbs to the mix and I’m a pig in heaven. Sweet and salty, cold and hot, crunchy and chewy all in one forkful.

Everyone once in a while I will crave this odd mix. The source of inspiration of this came from my mother, of course, who I shared a love of pasta with from when I was an itty-bitty. When she wanted a snack in the later hours, the two of us would make some pasta to toss in that heavenly mix of Heinz and Progresso bread crumbs. No other brand. No other combination. Even when I was abroad in the UK for a semester in college, I remember one night when I got a little homesick, I made this meal when I thought everyone was either out or in bed. To my horror, one of my flatmates was still up and discovered me curled up on the couch, watching an episode of a bad British soap opera while eating my bastardization of an Italian meal. Of course, my flatmate looked at me as if I had two heads, cried EWWW and again, caused me to recoil and lock away the “recipe” for safe keeping, out of the public’s eye and ridicule.

But thanks to Mark Bittman of the NYTimes, I no longer have to hide. In his blog, The Minimalist, he posted his recipe for–GASP–a broth and noodle dish with endless variations in which the key ingredient is, ahem, KETCHUP!!!

As I blogged once before about my appreciation of Bittman’s quest to inspire people to use oatmeal for sweet and savory dishes, which served as another relief for me who had experiemented with the oats in the past, once again, I no longer have to hide my experimentations with the red stuff. Thank you Bittman for bringing light to my story.

Life is odd in your 20’s. From one minute to the next, you can be dealing with serious adult things like paying bills and trying to fix a health insurance snafu, and the next, trying to deal with the ridiculousness that comes with being young, on your own, and not really knowing what the hell we are doing.

This morning was the latter.

I awoke to the the following text message from my roommie/bestie: I guess the handle inside the toilet tank broke. To flush, open the tank and grab the chain and pull up once. Make sure it stops running eventually after. I told Nick already. Call me if you need help.

Normally, I wouldn’t freak. As long as it flushes, there could be worse things. But the fact that I am hosting a St. Patrick’s day party tomorrow (it’s the 23rd annual Hoboken St. Patrick’s Parade when thousands of people flock to our mile square town for some debauchery), this is quite an unpleasant situation.

Due to the fact that our faucet has been leaking uncontrollably for the past few months and we do not have any hot water in the mornings even after calling our landlord, I’m trying to remain positive that it will be fixed by tomorrow, yet my sighs are filled of doubt.

Worst case scenario, I will move the party uptown to my co-hostess’ apt., where we are supposed to end up at the end of the day, but it will be a great annoyance because much food and booze are already at my place. If I put foil over the jello shot cups as I schlep them uptown, does that count as open container??

Only time will tell. Come on deli man–our nickname for our landlord, because he is also the owner of the deli that we blame for making our apartment smell like garlic and marinara on a daily basis. Thank God for my roommate, who made me laugh about the situation when I wanted to cry, with this awesome email:

Subject: OUR TOILET!!!

Hey Girlies – Sorry for the apartment-related email but I wanted to let you both know about our apparent toilet drama as soon as possible.

I woke this morning to find out toilet handle not working. Upon opening the tank of the toilet, it turns out the long stick thing that connects to the outer handle to the chain that pulls up the rubber thing that makes it flush, is severely rusted and has broken off. I told our friend, Nick the deli-man, and he said “ok.” I called again now (apparently Max said to call the deli directly to talk to Nick) and spoke to Nick’s brother who is going to tell him again that it needs to be fixed today and that our kitchen faucet is still leaking uncontrollably.

I propose that we each call once an hour, on the hour, to make sure it’s fixed by the time we return. Also, if need be, the toilet can be flushed by opening the top of the tank, rolling up your sleeve, and plunging your hand into the ice-cold water to quickly pull up the chain that connects to the rubber thing. Just make sure that the toilet stops running and the rubber thing falls back in place. My mom also said that we could throw a bucket of water into the actual bowl and that apparently shocks the toilet into emergency flush mode. But I think that method is scary and can get messy. Hopefully Nick the deli landlord will fix it by 5pm.