Confessions Of A Splenda Stealer

Sometimes when you have an experience that leaves you with your jaw dropped, you need to reflect upon it to put everything into perspective.

I’m going to reflect on a moment I had about an hour ago. About two months ago, I had a few dates with this guy that I met while he was working in NYC on business from his hometown Boston. Honestly, we had a few great dates, then he left to go back to Boston and we texted and emailed since he left.

He told me last week that he was coming into NYC for two weeks. So naturally, I perked up. We text back and forth a few times, me asking when he settles in, we should get together.

A week goes by, no word. But this morning, I get this:

Hi Emily
Got your text last night, i am actually leaving in a couple hours. Ive been working late all week I also have a girlfriend now in Boston so I am not sure I will be able to hang out. Sorry I should have told you this earlier this week. Hope you have a good weekend.

…

…

What? I read it again. Nope, try again. I had to read it a few more times before I actually understood the words on my screen.

Then the emotions came and changed from one second to the next. The rate I went from sadness to anger to bewilderment was like accelerating from zero to 60.

After some reflection, and furious rounds of gchatting with my girlfriends, I came to a conclusion. I will file this one under “Will Laugh About This Later.”

Luckily, my status in life as a Splenda stealer has given me the strength to persevere over this minor annoyance with determination to put everything into perspective.

I have decided to look at it this way:

drinks and apps at Café Grey in Columbus Circle
+ drinks at the W hotel
+ dinner and drinks at Dos Caminos
+ drinks and dinner at The Spotted Pig
+ drinks at The White Horse Tavern

= lots o’ spending $$$$$$$ on me that he will never get back no matter how many LAME hours he works his life away as a BORING auditor in his cube. I mean, who doesn’t know who Jack Kerouac is??

I think he was turning prematurely gray anyway.

Take that fucker.

Wednesday has become my favorite day of the week–not because it’s hump day but because of this little wonder:

While it stinks that living in such a fabulous city can be so expensive, it does pay to be in a city where promotions and gimmicks are on every corner. Upon passing Bryant Park one morning, people dressed in Starbucks barista outfits were passing out green pamphlet looking things. Now, usually I don’t bother to take handouts (unless they are free samples like the free Special K cereal bars that were being given out by Grand Central in which Ms. Ball O’ Sunshine and I passed by twice), but because I knew that Starbucks was making a big announcement that day from all the postings on food blogs I read the day before, I was actually excited to see what all the fuss was about. It was soooo worth it! This little card provides me with a free cup of their new blend, Pike Place Roast every Wednesday until the end of May.

EVERY Wednesday. To a caffeine addict, this is too good to be true, and for someone who works in New York, with a Starbucks on each corner, it’s absolutely overwhelming.

The first day I got it, it was a Tuesday. That next morning, I was determined to see how many times I could use it in one day. I used it at the following locations:

40th and Lex at 8:45am

Grand Central at 1pm

41st and Madison Ave at 5pm

and a Starbucks in Hoboken, refrigerated over night for the next morning….I know, I’m sick…and I felt sick…

I was basically foaming at the mouth from de-hydration, but I didn’t care. It was allll free. And just think of how many Splendas I scored out of the deal!

Today I have only had the chance to stop by two locations. But the evening is young. I’m always excited while I leave a Starbucks with my free little tall coffee, but ordering the coffee isn’t as much fun. I’m pretty sure the baristas hate all of us cheapies. Would you like a scone with that? Of course not. Would you like a brownie with that? Of course not. I just take my free cup and then hustle over to the counter with the milk ‘n fixin’s and pretty much stuff my pockets with those wonderful yellow packets. I’m pretty sure I had to waddle away. But oh, the cheap glory of it all.

Here is more proof that avocados are out to get me. After trekking to the gym after work to find that she had forgotten her sports bra, my good friend S went on an entire rant to me on the phone about the ordeal then went into the additional exasperations about her day, which ended up in a rant concerning her fears about the global climate crisis having an effect on the west coast, threatening the growth of avocados. She was freaking out. She asked me what to do if avocados become endangered. I listened with dead eyes.

Ever feel like something is after you? I sometimes do.

I started to think about this more after a family dinner out last Friday. Usually it’s the six of us: my twin sis, parents, and grandparents that still live on the city. My dad and I will meet up after work, and my mom and sis will come in from the ‘burbs. And it’s a fact, we all like to drink, yet we all have very different tolerances. My dad could drink any of us under the table, but my sis will give him a run for his money. My grandmother probably could if we let her, and as for the rest of us, we are pretty much light weights. I pretend I’m not. Sometimes I can hide it.

When we go to Mexico Lindo, on 2nd Ave. and 26th st., you would be insane not to order a margarita. They don’t make it with that sugary crap. They use the juice from an entire lime and quality tequila. So gooooood. So good you want two or three when you can’t see entirely straight after one. Or least I can’t.

Once we get a buzz going, the following usually happens. My mom starts to giggle and then says comments that are completely innocent in her head, but come out in phrases that sound, let’s say, risque. One of my favorites was after two glasses of wine, my mom kept asking me if this guy I went on a date with understood the subway system, because he was an out of towner. After a few times of asking me “Did he get off on that?” and then she’s clap her hand over her mouth and laugh hysterically, right in front of my dad no less, I moved her glass away.

I swear this story has a point. Anywho–dinner last Friday was a bit tamer, except it seemed that this round of margaritas had a profound effect on our motor skills. Enter–the guacamole debacle. Now, I know a lot of people who go nuts over avocados, an addiction I cannot share because sadly, I am allergic to them. But people who love them, like my family, just lose it. When it was brought to the table and my family dug right in. And it got a little messy. It got here:

And then it flung across the table and landed here:

And then it got on a few more elbows and fingernails before the plate looked like it had been licked clean by a pack of wolves.

But it’s interesting how this only happens with guacamole. It’s one of those delights that brings out the gluttonous side in people, a delight I cannot share. It’s in sushi and I have to poke it out with a chopstick. It’s in certain versions of California clubs and I have to spoon it out. And there is usually a friend next to me to who will stab it and eat it all up.

But now I’m beginning to think that they also follow me around. As I was shopping for cupcakes, I found a random avocado next to the shredded coconut in the baking aisle. I had a date where the guy ordered guacamole as a starter to be nice, and when it showed up in a gigundoo sized bowl, I had to explain that I couldn’t eat it–and it’s always attractive to explain your allergies on a second date. When I go to the deli across from my office to order an egg on a roll for a buck if I have no breakfast or lunch, avocados sometimes show up next to the deli meat counter, at which Ms. Ball O’ Sunshine pointed to one and asked me if they made me nervous. I laughed it off. But now I gulp when thinking about them.

Am I being paranoid? Have you ever had an inanimate object seem to pop up in your presence a little too frequently? woooooooo